This one is a complete rewrite. I hated the one I posted originally, so I changed it to this one, composed during a surreal moment at a women's clothing store while shopping with my wife.
OK, I understand; and I like this one a lot. But you can't do that! You must... publish... original... haiku! Even if it's just as a comment on the first one. It might just be me, but the hunters mingling, seaching for bliss strongly evoked a the image of a pick-up bar, much racier than you intended. But that's a mark of solid poetry, that you took that listless human mingling and actually turned it into an abortive, but desperate quest.
I'm sorry I never went back and published that first haiku. It was bad enough that I didn't remember it naturally, but not so bad as to be remembered for it's badness.
3 Comments:
This one is a complete rewrite. I hated the one I posted originally, so I changed it to this one, composed during a surreal moment at a women's clothing store while shopping with my wife.
OK, I understand; and I like this one a lot. But you can't do that! You must... publish... original... haiku! Even if it's just as a comment on the first one. It might just be me, but the hunters mingling, seaching for bliss strongly evoked a the image of a pick-up bar, much racier than you intended. But that's a mark of solid poetry, that you took that listless human mingling and actually turned it into an abortive, but desperate quest.
I'm sorry I never went back and published that first haiku. It was bad enough that I didn't remember it naturally, but not so bad as to be remembered for it's badness.
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